Television:
Saturday Night Live     Page   1   2   3

Dana Carvey impersonating Ross Perot: "Now listen, Larry, listen... Larry, the country is going to hell in a hand basket. We've got fund-raising problems. Let me just put it to you this way: Mr. Hop-Sing goes to the White House, right? Writes a check, says, 'Me write checkie-checkie,' right? You know what I'm talkin' about. Then if that don't work, you're introduced to Mrs. Hop-Sing. She says, 'Me so horny -- me love you long time.' "

Dana Carvey impersonating Ross Perot: "I'm tryin' to save our nation. Let me put it to you this way, folks. Please. This country's in trouble. Lemme just say... you can squat on a pit bull, but that don't get you rhubarb pie..."

Audience laughs.

Carvey: "... unless the pit bull makes the pie!"

Carvey as Johnny Carson: "That, that is some weird, wild stuff. That is funny. I did not know that would be so funny."

Hartman as Ed McMahon: "Ha, ha! Yes! Ha, ha."

Chevy Chase: "Candy-gram."

Chevy Chase: "Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase... and you're not."

Sfx we hear when the Coneheads touch their cones together.

Jane Curtain: "You are a very sleazy man."

Announcer: "And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey."

Snare drum.

Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell: "Dog Show!"

Chris Farley: "Now, as your father told you, my name is Matt Foley, and I am a motivational speaker. Before I begin, I ought to tell you a little about myself so you'll know where I'm coming from. First off, I am 35 years old, I am thrice divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!"

Chris Farley: "Well, I'm here to tell ya that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not going to amount... to jack squat!"

Chris Farley: " 'I don't know.' Well, that and a nickel will get you a hot cup o' jack squat!"

Chris Farley: "Well, la-dee-frickin'-dah!"

Chris Farley: "Sweet mother of God! What is the hold-up??"

Will Ferrell: "Maybe I do, and maybe I do."

Al Franken: "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Al Franken as Stewart Smalley: "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnit... People like me."

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: "Our hearts are broken, but they are beating, and they are beating stronger than ever. New Yorkers are unified. We will not yield to terrorism."  (September 29, 2001, on the first broadcast of Saturday Night Live after the September 11 terrorism)

Phil Hartman: "Is it getting chilly in here, or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?"

Phil Hartman as Sinatra: "You don't scare me. I got chunks of guys like you in my stool!"

Jane Curtain: "Honey, slow down!"

Buck Henry: "You know I can't slow down! Daddy's gotta go to the bathroom!!"

Gilda Radner: "Well, can't we stop at a gas station??"

Henry: "No, no, no, no, no! Daddy can only go at home! You know that!"

Jan Hooks: "I desire you! I must have you tonight!"

Jesse Jackson: "You do not like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam I Am."

Jesse Jackson: "I like green eggs and ham! I do! I like them, Sam I Am!"

Michael Jordan: "Hi, I'm Michael Jordan."

Rob Schneider: "Michael Jordan!"

Jordan: "And I'm hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live."

Schneider: "Host-a-tola!"

Jordan: "With musical guest, Public Enemy."

Schneider: "Fightin' the Power-a-roonie!"

Andy Kaufman: "Thank you very much."

Madonna: "Wow, look at the unit on that guy!"

Steve Martin: "In America, all the most swinging people use computers to find others who will have sex with them."

Steve Martin: "Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk brothers. We cruise for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges."

Many more free sounds from Saturday Night Live on page 3