Television:
Monty Python's Flying Circus

Graham Chapman: "Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!"

Michael Palin: "What?"

Graham Chapman: "Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!"

(Thanks, David.)

John Cleese: "The BBC would like to apologize for the following announcement."

John Cleese: "You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards!"

Graham Chapman: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ..." etc.

John Cleese: "Blimey!"

John Cleese: "Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?"

Michael Palin: "Get..... the comfy chair!"

Ominous music.

Eric Idle: "Well, that was really horrible."

Terry Jones: "Oh, you're always complaining!"

Eric Idle: "And, now, for something completely different." (Thanks, Bats.)

John Cleese: "And, now, for something completely different."

John Cleese: "And, now, for something completely different."

John Cleese: "And, now, for something completely different."

Graham Chapman: "Well, we'll be continuing with Monty Python's Flying Circus in just a moment."

John Cleese: "Dinjen Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?"

Terry Jones: "I don't!"

John Cleese: "You dirty, double-crossing rat!"

Carol Cleveland: "I don't understand what you're saying."

Graham Chapman: "I don't care what the so-called avant garde, left-wing, intellectual mamby-pambies say... It is filth!"

Carol Cleveland: "Oh, good morning!"

Eric Idle: "It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim."

Michael Palin: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, ya see, it's just that we're not as yet, uh, totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim."

Idle: "But, it says something about filling my mouth in with cement."

Palin: "Ah, that's just insurance jargon, ya know. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid."

Michael Palin: "I always wanted to be... a lumberjack!"

Graham Chapman?: "I apologize for that. I believe you'll find this a bit more interesting."

Eric Idle: "Eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Say no more. Your wife... does she go? Eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Does she go? Eh?"

Terry Jones: "She sometimes goes."

Eric Idle: "I'll bet she does, I'll bet she does! Say no more, say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge!"

Terry Jones: "Well, what's on the television then?"

Graham Chapman: "Looks like a penguin."

John Cleese: "Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."

(Thanks, David.)

John Cleese: "The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What, indeed, is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken."

(Thanks, George.)

Eric Idle: "Ah, yes, his head's been ripped off. I'll get you another."

Eric Idle: "The BBC would like to announce that the next scene is not considered suitable for family viewing. It contains scenes of violence, involving people's head and arms getting chopped off. There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts."

Graham Chapman: "I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off."

John Cleese: "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you."

Michael Palin: "Whatever."

Sfx: Gunshot.

(Thanks, Bill.)

Michael Palin: "Uh, well, sir, I have got a silly walk."

John Cleese: "And so on, and so on, and so on."

Carol Cleveland: "I've got something to show you."

Terry Jones: "Spam?"

Graham Chapman: "I don't like Spam!"

Vikings singing: "Spam, Spam, Spam, wonderful Spam!..."

Terry Jones: "Shut up! Shut up! Bloody Vikings."

Graham Chapman: "I don't like Spam!"

Eric Idle: "Shh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your Spam. I luv it!"

Graham Chapman: "Have you got anything without Spam in it?"

Graham Chapman: "I don't want any Spam."

Graham Chapman: "I don't like Spam!"

Graham Chapman: "I don't like Spam!!!"

John Cleese: "What is the main food that penguins eat?"

Terry Jones: "Spam?"

Graham Chapman: "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

Michael Palin: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

John Cleese: "Stand and deliver!"

Eric Idle: "And now, for 10 seconds of sex."

Carol Cleveland: "Um, do you want to come upstairs?"

Eric Idle: "I beg your pardon?"

Carol Cleveland: "Do you want to come upstairs?"

Eric Idle: "We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating."

Graham Chapman: "What do you want?"

John Cleese: "You excrement!"